Couch to Marathon Training Program (2 Weeks)

Can you get off your couch and be ready for a marathon in only 2 weeks?  You bet.  Running is easy, that’s why only skinny nerds do it.  If there was any real challenge, buff Crossfit athletes like Rich Froning would have already dominated all events.  Running is a silly “sport”, but finishing a marathon will help you brag to the other drones in your office.

Using my program you can go from being a fat, out of shape, burger munching, fry guzzling monster to a marathon champion in only two weeks.  The best part?  No dieting, no sweating, and no running.  Thats right.  You only need to lace up the day of the race.

The Pillars of the Training Program

  1. Mindset.  You need to be in the proper mindset for the race.
  2. Fuel.  The key to racing a long distance is eating a lot.
  3. Equipment.  The best gear will get you the best results.

The Marathon Mindset

A marathon is 26.2 miles.  That may sound like a lot, especially if you are reading this from the bathroom with fingers coated in Doritos cheese residue.  Relax.  You probably drive more than 26 miles on your weekly trip to Costco.  It’s actually a very short distance, and in nice weather it will seem like a pleasant stroll.   

The hardest part will not be running the miles, but convincing yourself that you can do it.  Once you believe that you can accomplish it, anything is possible.  In the two weeks before the race, spend a minute each day visualizing yourself running past all of the skinny losers, then standing on the podium accepting the trophy and/or check.  Practice concealing your disappointment from adoring fans as the race organizers hand you an over-sized check for a pitiful sum.

Marathon Fuel

How can you race a “long” distance without training?  By eating a lot.  If you can run from the couch to the bathroom you can do 26 miles, you just need to keep your body supplied with the energy to do it.  Calories in = calories out, it’s simple physics.  To keep yourself fueled you need to be eating a lot during the race.  I recommend eating something every mile or so to keep yourself topped off.  

As far as food choices go you should skip specialty fitness foods, these are just expensive gimmicks.  Instead, focus on the high calorie foods your body is used too.  Chips, candy bars, and cookies are all excellent choices that will keep you energy levels up.  In fact, one study found that Bacon N’ Cheddar Doritos were optimal for long distance running.

Marathon Equipment

To fit all the food and water you will need to bring you need to bring a backpack and fanny pack.  I recommend some variety of camelback or osprey pack, as they are easy to run with.  You might practice walking around the house with them on, just to get a feel for it.

For shoes just use whatever you usually use to go walking in.  Running nerds like to get all worked up about different shoe types and how much support they offer and blah blah blah.  Just use whatever you go to work in.  Even boots will work.

Other items you definitely need to succeed: An mp3 player, a nice set of over ear noise blocking headphones, a GPS watch to track your progress, fancy running shirt (should not cost less than $30), wicking socks, specialty water bottle, and reflective vest.

Race Day

On the morning of you want to eat a huge meal, no less than half an hour before the race.  Aim for rich, fatty foods like steak and fettuccine alfredo.  This will be your fueling base that will help propel you through the race.

As far as race strategy goes, it’s pretty simple.  Push it hard early on.  You will quickly gap other competitors, who will give up when they see your strength and cool gear.  As your extra snacks begin to kick in you will get even farther ahead.

With eating a lot comes another activity that we talk about less.  Relax.  It’s standard practice to go to the bathroom directly on the course.  Just stop and go right where you are on the road or trail.  This is just another way of asserting your dominance to the rest (all) of the runners behind you.

Meditation for Beginners: 10 Radical Tips

You’ve heard about the benefits of meditation, but never been able to put together the pieces.  Your friends who meditate seem like they have achieved true mindfulness, you know because they tell you every day.  I understand.  I’ve been there.  

I used to be a meditation beginner, unable to find enough inner peace to impress a peanut.  I would sit quietly with my legs crossed and eyes closed for hours, yet still not achieve anything.  Now my shit is so focused that strangers on the street know before I tell them: this guy is a meditation master.

By now you’ve tried all the normal advice.  Sit still, focus on a ball of light, clear you mind, etc.  None of that worked for me either.  It’s too boring, and doesn’t promote actual inner growth.  To achieve lasting meditation success you need to change the game.

These ten points are what helped me start down the path of true mindfulness.  They won’t make you a meditation master (like myself), but they will give you the tools to dig deeper.

  1. Open your eyes.  A lot of people say you should meditate with your eyes closed, but that can be risky – you could fall asleep.  I recommend keeping your eyes open to fully soak  in your environment.
  2. Turn the TV on.  That’s right, as a distraction at low volume it television is the perfect tool to distract your mind.  If having the sound at low volume bothers you, turn it up more so you can hear.

  3. Bring a snack.  Meditation is all about self fulfillment, and how can you do that if you have not fulfilled your base desires?  I often bring chips, or a snickers bar to meditation sessions.  Snickers, the official fuel of meditation practitioners everywhere.

  4. Bring a drink.  In order to reach fulfillment and focus on the true inner self you must satisfy the outer self.  A great way to do this is to bring a drink.  Coke is an excellent choice, as it has sugar and caffeine to keep you alert through your session.  If find yourself too alert, try something stronger, like vodka.  Alcohol is an all natural liquid supplement for soothing nerves and relaxing the mind.

  5. Lay on your back.  A lot of advice says to sit straight up, or sit on a cushion.  How can you truly banish desire if you are uncomfortable?  I have found that laying flat on a couch, or half way up in a recliner, is the optimal position for meditating.

  6. Bring Friends.  A lot of people say that meditation is strictly a solo enterprise.  In upper level meditation competitions this is true, but when you are starting out it can be good to have friends to help you along.  Meditation is boring, and a good friend will help you push through the boredom.

  7. Distract your ears.  Instead of silence, gentle music or small talk with friends is a good way to make yourself more comfortable.  Having a friend tell you about their day is the perfect way to guide yourself to inner peace.

  8. Try a cigarette.  Nicotine has the unique property of being both a stimulant and a depressant.  This is perfect for an activity like meditation where you are expected to both be relaxed physically and alert mentally.  I will often have four or five during the course of a fifteen minute session.

  9. Distract your mouth.  To achieve true inner focus you must distract your mouth.  Chewing gum is one option (I recommend nicotine gum).  Even better is light conversation with friends.  Serious, in depth, conversation is also okay.  If you are meditating alone try turning the TV on and repeating everything the characters say.

  10. Order a pizza.  Lets face it, meditation is exhausting.  An extra deep dish pizza with loads of melty cheese baked into the crust is the only way to satisfy the hunger that comes from achieving inner peace.  And what better way to reward your friends for helping you?  Like dogs they will be grateful for the meal, shoveling the greasy slabs of bread and cheese into their mouths as though eating for the last time.  They will revel in the feast, yet ironically their pathetic empty lives will be that much worse for it.

Meet Your Goals in 5 Minutes

Warning: this article is not for the faint of heart.  I’m about to show you an easy way to make real progress on serious life goals.  It wont take long, but it contains some truly radical ideas.  Buckle up.

Everyone has goals, and if you are like I was (in the past, before i became an internet celebrity) you have a list of things you want to get done, but just haven’t been able to.  Good news: today is the day we take care of that list.  My plan is pretty simple, and easy enough that anyone can do it.  It involves no meditation, visualization, self analysis, or anything that a mid life SUV driving American would find challenging.

The Plan

There are four easy steps to my plan.  It is very important that you follow them in order and don’t read ahead.  

Step 1: Think of three stubborn goals you’ve had clinging to the back of your mind for weeks, or longer.  These are the strongest, most nagging, highest hope big time goals that you JUST KNOW will improve your life.  These are not things you HAVE to do (like buying groceries or going to the doctor), but things you want to do, like eating healthy or exercising more.  

Step 2: Write your goals down on a large piece of paper.  It has to be big enough to see from a few feet away.  Hang the piece of paper on the wall in a place that you will often see it.  It can be by your desk, where you meditate (you do meditate, right?), or even by your bed.

Step 3: Sit or stand in front of your list of goals.  Breath deeply and clear your mind.  Accept the fact that you are a failure, and that these goals, like most other things in your life, will never be finished.  You were never going to try, and if you did find some way to get your ass off the couch, it would have been a half hearted attempt ending in an even worse, possibly embarrassing, failure.  For you fatty, trying is even worse than doing nothing.

Step 4:  Take a big red or black indelible pen and draw lines through all three goals on the paper.  Leave the paper hanging up so you, and others, can realize what a miserable failure you are.

Congratulations!  You have just accomplished three important goals.  You are one very tiny step closer to becoming an internet celebrity like myself.