Couch to Marathon Training Program (2 Weeks)

Can you get off your couch and be ready for a marathon in only 2 weeks?  You bet.  Running is easy, that’s why only skinny nerds do it.  If there was any real challenge, buff Crossfit athletes like Rich Froning would have already dominated all events.  Running is a silly “sport”, but finishing a marathon will help you brag to the other drones in your office.

Using my program you can go from being a fat, out of shape, burger munching, fry guzzling monster to a marathon champion in only two weeks.  The best part?  No dieting, no sweating, and no running.  Thats right.  You only need to lace up the day of the race.

The Pillars of the Training Program

  1. Mindset.  You need to be in the proper mindset for the race.
  2. Fuel.  The key to racing a long distance is eating a lot.
  3. Equipment.  The best gear will get you the best results.

The Marathon Mindset

A marathon is 26.2 miles.  That may sound like a lot, especially if you are reading this from the bathroom with fingers coated in Doritos cheese residue.  Relax.  You probably drive more than 26 miles on your weekly trip to Costco.  It’s actually a very short distance, and in nice weather it will seem like a pleasant stroll.   

The hardest part will not be running the miles, but convincing yourself that you can do it.  Once you believe that you can accomplish it, anything is possible.  In the two weeks before the race, spend a minute each day visualizing yourself running past all of the skinny losers, then standing on the podium accepting the trophy and/or check.  Practice concealing your disappointment from adoring fans as the race organizers hand you an over-sized check for a pitiful sum.

Marathon Fuel

How can you race a “long” distance without training?  By eating a lot.  If you can run from the couch to the bathroom you can do 26 miles, you just need to keep your body supplied with the energy to do it.  Calories in = calories out, it’s simple physics.  To keep yourself fueled you need to be eating a lot during the race.  I recommend eating something every mile or so to keep yourself topped off.  

As far as food choices go you should skip specialty fitness foods, these are just expensive gimmicks.  Instead, focus on the high calorie foods your body is used too.  Chips, candy bars, and cookies are all excellent choices that will keep you energy levels up.  In fact, one study found that Bacon N’ Cheddar Doritos were optimal for long distance running.

Marathon Equipment

To fit all the food and water you will need to bring you need to bring a backpack and fanny pack.  I recommend some variety of camelback or osprey pack, as they are easy to run with.  You might practice walking around the house with them on, just to get a feel for it.

For shoes just use whatever you usually use to go walking in.  Running nerds like to get all worked up about different shoe types and how much support they offer and blah blah blah.  Just use whatever you go to work in.  Even boots will work.

Other items you definitely need to succeed: An mp3 player, a nice set of over ear noise blocking headphones, a GPS watch to track your progress, fancy running shirt (should not cost less than $30), wicking socks, specialty water bottle, and reflective vest.

Race Day

On the morning of you want to eat a huge meal, no less than half an hour before the race.  Aim for rich, fatty foods like steak and fettuccine alfredo.  This will be your fueling base that will help propel you through the race.

As far as race strategy goes, it’s pretty simple.  Push it hard early on.  You will quickly gap other competitors, who will give up when they see your strength and cool gear.  As your extra snacks begin to kick in you will get even farther ahead.

With eating a lot comes another activity that we talk about less.  Relax.  It’s standard practice to go to the bathroom directly on the course.  Just stop and go right where you are on the road or trail.  This is just another way of asserting your dominance to the rest (all) of the runners behind you.

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