Right now if you’re a US citizen you would rather stick your head in a dryer full of rusty nails than hear anything else about the election. Don’t worry, I’m not going to talk about anything that requires brain power. I’m just going to discuss the issues and tell you who to vote for.
By now it should be pretty obvious who the most qualified (and handsome) candidate is. He’s strong as an ox, smarter than the average bear, and recommends the death penalty for hoarding. That’s right, it’s me.
Today I urge all of my fellow Americans, as well as tourists, foreign workers, children, and pets, to write in “Julian Wickers” for president, multiple times if you can.
You only need to turn on the news for one minute to know that this year’s field of candidates is abysmally bad. Voting in this election is like walking into an ice cream shop and finding that the only flavors are kale, grass, extra frozen vanilla, and sunburned orange. All of the media is telling you to go out and eat some ice cream, that it’s your civic duty, but you would rather eat the plastic spoon and wash it down with mop water. Well, get ready for something tasty.
It could be dangerous to cast myself as a good choice only in comparison to the sea of mediocrity. Even as a giant among dwarves, I am still a giant, a paragon of virtue and reason with marble columns for legs. Will I balance the budget? You bet. Will I end all conflict in the middle east? On my first day. Will I sell all the white house furniture on craigslist and use the proceeds to pay down the national debt? Well, maybe 5% of the proceeds, being president is hard work after all.
Presidential Tip: Whether it be a bribe from the Ukrainian secretary of state, or just the Lincoln bedspread you sold on craigslist, always choose cash.
A vote for Julian Wickers is a vote for the four L’s: Life, Liberty, Learning, and Liberty. Thats right, liberty is on there twice, because true freedom means being able to repeat words. If you are a true believer in Liberty Liberty I want you to repeat these other words: “I, insert name, solemnly swear to vote for Julian Wickers on election day and to name my firstborn son after him when the time comes. Death to those who hoard. Amen. Namaste.”
As a candidate I feel it is my duty to inform the voters of where I stand on the important issues facing our country today. Could my positions change after the election? Absolutely. Do they change based on who I am talking too? All the time. Would I be in favor of rounding up all the puppies in the country and deporting them on a flaming boat made of straw? If it got me elected I would light the match.
I’m in favor of mass deportations, but not of people. All big screen TV’s would be confiscated by the government and “deported” to other countries for a good price. The proceeds would then be used to pay down the national debt. Also on my list are those ugly throw pillows bought by the wives and girlfriends of the world. The only thing they do is take up space, something they can do just as well on the bottom of the ocean, or in a volcano (and I’m not sure what to do with the pillows).
The War in Syria
The problem in Syria is that people have too much stuff, and aren’t fully actualized. What the citizens and foreign fighters alike need to do is meditate more, start eating healthy, and learn to follow their passion. As president I will dispatch a team of productivity bloggers to Syria, where they will assist in the war effort through articles about decluttering and tips for eating healthy.
How many rebel fighters would quit on the spot if they knew they could follow their dream of making motivational signs out of bullet casings? Rogue warlords and despot leaders alike would be able to find common ground if they could just meditate for fifteen minutes each day. Once you have a citizenry that is truly fulfilled, problems like the civil war will just fade away.
The price of healthcare is spiraling out of control. I would change that by repealing “Obama Care” and replacing it with something ten thousand times better: “Julian Care”. Julian Care is a simpler and more cost effective system. It works like this: Whenever anyone needs to see a doctor or go to the hospital, I ask the question “does Julian Care?”, to which the answer is usually “no”. This will save us hundreds of billions of dollars annually.
I don’t want to get labeled here, but I’m going to take a bold stance: that’s right, I’m anti-hurricane. However, I can’t deny that hurricane coverage is exciting TV. Like, cancel the state of the union, we are tailgating this in the nixon basement exciting. As president I would commission the NOAA to work with Hollywood studios to produce disaster coverage for at least three fake hurricanes a year. I would also make sure the timing is convenient enough to overshadow any bad press about me.
With its rejection of foreign luxuries and commitment to a fasting diet for every citizen, North Korea is one of the most minimalistic countries in the world, which also makes it one of the greatest. I would immediately lift all sanctions and invite their leader, Kim Jong-Un, to keynote my annual summit on minimalism and productivity (formerly the state of the union). We might even run some joint panels, like “Lose weight fast with the all shoe diet”, “Which type of labor camp is right for your kids?”, and “Cooking your cat.”
ISIS and Terrorism
As a parent I think that terror is an effective tool for teaching kids valuable lessons. That is why, as president, I would hire the best ISIS fighters and clerics to staff my new national learning initiative, “Read or Die”. Teachers would be forbidden from actually beheading students of course, but we would still encourage the whole blindfolding and shaky cam videos in front of a black banner type thing. These fake abductions might actually replace report cards for poorly performing students.
The beauty of my program is that it kills two metaphorical birds with one car bomb. After we hire away the best and brightest from ISIS, the rest of the organization will fall apart. At the same time, we expose our children to a radical new teaching style that is sure to have them exploding with enthusiasm.
As president I would round up all of the people who refuse to get their children vaccinated and force them to move to the state that gave me the least votes (percentage wise). This would also be, coincidentally, the first state to start with the new “Read or Die” education program, staffed by former ISIS clerics. By pure chance, it would also be the state that starts on my “Julian Cares” lack-of-health program.
What could be worse than terrorists running freely, whooping cough in all the schools, and the complete lack of a health care system? Throw pillows. Awkward, stiff, rough to the touch, and really, really stupid. Every man, woman, and child in that state would be required by law to keep a dozen of the nation’s ugliest throw pillows on their bed at all times, even at night.