Helping Your Cat Go Vegan

Has your cat ever vomited?  Does he sometimes sit at the window staring out at nothing?  Does he hide when somebody rings the doorbell?  These could be signs of Meat Intolerance (MI), a very dangerous condition.

The problem stems from genetically modified horses, or GMHO’s.  All cat food (including catnip) is made by grinding up dead horses into a paste, then adding “natural” flavorings.  Food made from genetically modified horses irritates the feline stomach lining.  Eventually the stomach becomes so irritated that it rejects all food, and your cat develops MI.  

Note: Only cats are affected by MI.  Cat food is still a safe and affordable option for your toddler.  

Symptoms of Meat Intolerance (MI)

  1. Does not want to be petted.
  2. Wants to be petted too much.
  3. Sheds hair all over the house.
  4. Scratches the ground after going to the litter box.
  5. Show little interest in playing.
  6. Sleeps all day, but is restless at night.
  7. Refuses to eat a new type of food.
  8. Eats too much, or too little food.
  9. Uncontrollable shitting.  Your cat becomes a fire-hose of feces, propelled forward by diarrhea blasts like a model rocket.  He appears to be hovering peacefully in place, like an incarnation of the poop god Shitavi.  If you’re not sure, ask yourself this: have you ever been sitting peacefully on the couch, watching the game, only to have cat shit drip down on you from the ceiling?  If so, it could be MI.

We first noticed MI in our cat Fluffer.  He was acting strange, like hiding under the couch when we vacuumed, or sitting in the middle of the the floor and licking himself.  Our vet tried to claim that this was “normal behavior”, but after a search through some internet forums of dubious authorship, we found the truth.    

The sad thing is that most vets will deny that MI is even a real issue.  They pretend that carefully researched reports like this one are fake, which is insulting.  If your vet is an MI denier, send them to this article to read the truth.  Make sure they buy my book to get the platinum plus preferred version of the truth.

Going Vegan

The solution to MI is to switch your cat to a vegan diet.  All of their food should be made out of plants, preferably from your own garden.  It will be a hard progression, cats are natural carnivores, but with a little hard work you can beat MI.  Fluffer lived for several weeks on a vegan diet before succumbing to natural causes.

Because the GMHO lobby controls the industry it can be hard to find vegan cat food, so you have to make your own.  I recommend starting with a simple entree I call “Fun Feast”.  Add cooked quinoa, spring mix, carrots, and almond milk to your blender and mix until liquid.  Pour into ice cube trays and freeze for one hour.  Viola, you now have individual cubes of dry food that your cat (and toddler) will love.

If your cat refuses to eat the new food have patience.  Like our children eventually realized, the alternative to going vegan is starvation.  Your picky Persian will eventually come around and start eating your delicious meals.  They might get a little skinny, but that’s a symptom being healthier.

Enjoying a Healthy Lifestyle

Once your cat goes vegan, and the symptoms of MI subside, they might start to act funny.  For example, Fluffer started gnawing on my leather boots and digging through the trash.  At dinner he would stare at us, with a vacant look in his eye and drool dribbling down his chin.  If this happens to you, relax, it’s a natural reaction to finally feeling healthy.  

As your cuddly carnivorous tabby is transformed into a lean vegan tiger, you might notice an increase in aggressiveness.  He might go after birds and rodents with more determination, or even start to stalk your other pets.  This is perfectly natural.  In his final days we noticed Fluffer stalking our youngest child, carefully creeping around the house like an emaciated lion, desperate for a meal during the dry season.  What a silly cat.

Reader Tip: Put a bell on your hungry cat so you know when he might be trying to ambush you.

Getting your cat to go vegan can be challenging.  They might refuse to eat your organic plant based meals, or vomit up what they do eat.  You might find yourself having to defend your own dinner, guarding every shred of meat like a hawk.  Even your own trusted veterinarian might object, throwing around terms like “animal cruelty” and “gross negligence”.  It was a hard transition, but when I looked deep into the eyes of my beloved cat as he gnawed on my toe, I knew it was worth it.

Editor’s Note: Julian is not a veterinarian and has never consulted any veterinary resources.  His knowledge of cat healthcare is derived exclusively from comments on a model train message board and a drunken “conversation” he had with a feral cat outside Chipotle.  In fact it was only a squirrel that was interested in the burrito he was spilling all over his pants.

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