Hack a Bad Habit

I dislike the word “hack”.  Too often it is used to present the same old boring information as exciting and new.  Not today.  The method I’m about to share with you is not only novel, it’s dangerous.  Real knives will be used, and your bad habits will be literally hacked away.

When I talk to my fans one of the most common complaints I hear is that they want to get rid of bad habits.  Smoking, nail biting, auto-erotic asphyxiation, I’ve heard about it all.  Bad habits are like invisible friends that follow us around.  We try and leave them behind, but when life gets tough we fall back into their waiting arms.

To escape your bad habits for good you need accountability.  Sure, it could be a close friend, or maybe your pastor, but these “accountability partner” relationships can get weird, and often backfire.  You need somebody who is not afraid to call you out, or cut off a toe.

So who is that person?  Meet “Slim Bone”, he’s a 6’2’’ ex-con who go out on “parole” by scaling the prison wall.  He drinks about a gallon of beer a day and trims his beard with a 12 inch hunting knife that he stole from the zoo.  He doesn’t care if you’re tired, that cigarette is coming out of your mouth, or his fist is going in.

Slim Bone is your chopper, and my innovative system for ending all bad habits is called “The Chop Method”.  

The Chop Method

  1. Write down all of your bad habits.
  2. Decide on fingers or toes.
  3. Find your “Chopper”.
  4. Sign the contract.

Step 1 – Write Down your Bad Habits

Get a fresh piece of paper and clearly write down the bad habits you want to eliminate.  Junk food, speeding, drinking – get it all on there (note that smoking is not a bad habit).  If you have less than ten items you are either lying to yourself or already a devoted Amish Habits follower.

Step 2 – Decide: Fingers or Toes?

Next is a decision: fingers or toes?  Decide which one you need the least.  Runners might go with the finger, since they need their toes to run.  Climbers might decide they need a toe less.  Whatever works for you, just remember what you decided.

Step 3 – Find Your Chopper

The third step is the hard part.  You need to find a rough and tumble kind of guy who isn’t afraid of a little blood.  It could be your father in law, or maybe it’s the roommate of the guy who hooks you up with weed.  A biker bar could be a good place to look, or even craigslist as a last resort.  

Step 4 – Sign the Contract

Once you have your guy, call him the “chopper”, bring him to the office an attorney or public notary.  Add the following text to your list of habits, then sign it, along with the chopper.

“I have provided a list of bad habits that I no longer partake in.  I have also  provided the executor [chopper] with a list of friends (if I have any) and family.  After thirty days, and every month following, the executor will scrupulously interview everyone on the list and follow me around, to determine if I have partaken in any of the bad habits on the list.  

For each bad habit I indulge in I hereby authorize the executor to remove a toe | finger (circle one), starting with the smallest.”

Even if you don’t understand the legalese, the meaning should be pretty clear.  For every one of the bad habits you go back on, the chopper will take off a toe or finger.  Notice that the contract doesn’t have the words “humane” or “painlessly”.  That would be extra work for the chopper, and too many people would backslide if the amputation was easy.

Reader Tip: The stronger and more deadly your chopper, the more likely you are to give up your bad habits!   

The best part of my system that you can’t escape or get out of the contract.  It is a legally binding document in every state except for Rhode Island and Denmark.  The police will actually help the chopper hunt you down if they suspect you have broken the agreement.

Reader tip: Amputated appendages make great gifts, especially to kids who need a reminder to eat their vegetables.

If you’re interested in the method, but have had a hard time finding an axeman, look no further.  As part of my devotion to my readers, I will be the chopper for anyone who wants to improve their life.  

Helping people improve their lives through semi-voluntary amputations is a passion of mine.  I have several knives which I keep well sharpened and disinfected.  I get the job done quickly and (mostly) painlessly.  If you need a reference, just ask my wife.

Join me next week for a discussion of how to guillotine your guilt.

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