Flush Your Trash

Think you’ve found every money saving tip you can?  Think again.  A porcelain fountain of money has been in front of you this whole time.  Or rather, under.  By following this one simple tip, you can cancel your expensive trash service, and become “flush” with cash.

Saving money is important.  I should know, I was once over 3 billion dollars in debt.  It was only through scrupulous planning and saving that we overcame the burden.  Now I try and save money wherever I can.  In this case, the bathroom.

If you’re lucky, garbage collection is expensive.  For those unlucky souls without trash pickup, trash is more than just expensive: it’s a hassle.  You have to lug all your trash to the dump, or at the least to a secluded country road away from prying eyes.  

What if I told you there is a trash disposal system already hooked up to your house?  Not only that, but it’s absolutely free and a breeze to use.  That’s right, your toilet.  The porcelain throne.  The excrement express.  The chunky chunnel.  

Your toilet is an efficient waste disposal system, ready to dispose of any and all trash.  You know it works because it has already been “battle tested” under the most extreme conditions.  In fact, you might even be testing it right now.

Getting Started

The general method is simple:  put the item(s) you want to get rid of into the toilet bowl, pull the handle, and watch it whirl away.  Done, gone.  If the item is big you will probably need to cut it into manageable pieces first.  If you aren’t sure, try flushing a few times and see if it makes any headway.  

If a piece of trash gets stuck you can always use a plunger pull it out.  You don’t need to worry about blockage down the line either.  Sewer pipes only expand as they leave a house. If that old meatloaf can fit through the flush hole, it’s gonna make it all the way to the ocean.

Reader Tip: you can flush everything: junk mail, batteries, old shirts, and even yard work.

Your system for trash can be as simple as you want.  We originally got rid of our trash can and just threw items directly into the toilet.  When it got full enough we flushed it.  

It was an effective system, but jarring for guests to see a three day old meatball sub floating there.  That, and our cats treated it as an all you can eat buffet.  There is nothing quite like waking up in the night and stepping on a piece of soggy meat that has been dragged from the toilet.  Sometimes it’s not meat.  

Now we keep one small trashcan by the toilet.  Whenever anyone goes to the bathroom, we make sure to throw a few items in before flushing.  To save water we wait to flush until the bowl is full, no exceptions.  In navy terms that means that a small battleship, or group of smaller torpedo boats, need to wait for an escort from the waste basket.

Flushing Tricky Items

Some items might be harder to deal with than others.

1. Plastic bottles and aluminum cans.  

Use scissors to cut them into small pieces, no bigger than the palm of your hand.  Usually you can fit four or five in a single load.

2. Old Clothes

Larger coats and jeans might need a little surgery, but for the most part you can get an entire shirt or blouse down in one flush.  Tip: If the shirt is having trouble, try pouring a little olive oil into the bowl, this will help improve viscosity.

3. Dead Pets 

Small pets like birds, hamsters, and goldfish should go in one flush.  Larger ones, like a golden retriever, might need a little preparation.  The bathtub is the perfect place to cut them into manageable pieces.  Just snip a piece, drop it into the toilet, and flush.  You might need a saw or an axe for the larger parts, but in a pinch a hammer will do.  Tip: Our bodies are mostly water.  Put Fido in a dehydrator to make him easier to flush.

4. Books

We keep a stack of books we no longer want by the toilet.  When it’s time to flush, we rip a few pages out of the top one and add to the bowl, kind of like a garnish.  This works great, and doubles as a backup in case we run out of TP.  Tip: Nothing beats writers block like feeling the words of a great author gently caressing your inner buttock.

5. Sensitive documents.  

Save money on a shredder by flushing sensitive documents.  Nobody will want to touch a toilet water tax return.  If you’re worried about teenage mutant identity thieves living in the sewer, you can add a little extra sauce on top of the documents before flushing.  You know, brown sauce.

6. Old Leaves.  

Leaves are small enough that you can flush a few at a time, but that might not be enough if you have a lot.  Instead, I recommend breaking them up in a paper shredder.  This breaks them down into smaller pieces and lets you fit 50% more into each load.  Tip: don’t be afraid to splurge!  An expensive shredder can handle errant sticks or acorns that get mixed in.

7. Landscaping

Small sticks can be broken up and flushed just like anything else.  I recommend buying a wood chipper for larger sticks and branches.  These are great for breaking up everything from small sticks to giant logs into tiny, perfectly flush-able little pieces.  Keep a bucket of chips near the toilet and add a handful to each load.  Tip: The wood chipper also works on dead pets that are too big to flush!

Helping Friends and Family

You wouldn’t be a good neighbor if you did not help your friends save money on their trash bill.  Whenever I’m at a friends house I make sure to surreptitiously flush all of my trash, whether it be paper plates and beer cans from a party, or a dead dog that I was supposed to be watching.  

When my friend mentions that their trash bill mysteriously went down while they were gone, I try to act surprised.  As an award winning life coach and I’m used to dealing with praise and excessive gratitude.  If they ask how I did it, I act humble and wave my hand.  If they press I’ll slowly nod and tell people what I always do – it’s an ancient Amish secret.   

Similarly, when friends mention that their dog mysteriously changed color and grew longer fur, I try to act surprised.  If they press the matter I explain that they haven’t lost a dog, just gained newer one.  If they take the loss hard I cheer them up with good news: I flushed two bags of trash and three quarters of a dog down the crapper – they’re going to save some money!

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