I have a new policy when it comes to gifts: anyone who gives me a mug will receive two in return. Not only will you get the original thoughtless gift back, but you are also receive an additional chunk of cheap pottery to go along with it.
This is not altruism. Nor is it a sincere “thank you”. Rather, it is an act of cold-hearted revenge. I want others to suffer first world problems as I have, with cupboards overflowing with mugs that they can’t give away because they are “too dear”.
Why Stoop so Low?
Because sometimes to fight the wolves you have to become one. Telling the Materialists that mugs are the worst gift didn’t work, so now I’m trying it in a language they understand: cheap gift shop crap. By giving them a taste of their own medicine, I’m hoping that the mug givers will finally realize the error of their ways.
I don’t want people to think twice before giving me a mug, I want them to shudder and break into a cold sweat. I want them to stand there, clutching the prospective gift in fear, as visions of shelves overflowing with mugs cloud their vision. Absolute terror is what I want to inspire, as the Materialist cowers from the thought of having to give away the extra mugs I give them.
As usual, I’m not doing this just for me. This policy is for every little boy and girl that happily opened a small square box on Christmas morning, only to be devastated by the personalized mug inside. At least with socks you can wear them out, but a personalized mug? Unfortunately, its forever.
The Mug Revolution
My goal is nothing less than the total and utter eradication of mugs from the gift giving world. The enemy is the entire mug industrial complex, and the materialists who serve as cogs in its ever churning offal engine. As we speak, there are hundreds of factories around the world silently churning out hideous ceramic swill. They must be stopped.
If everyone followed my example, the mug giving cycle would be broken in a manner of months. The Materialists would be swamped by extra mugs, and realize what a horrible gift they are. The entire world would reach an unspoken agreement that everyone now has the capability to drink hot liquid, so no more cups for awhile.
How it Works
This section is here for the Materialists, because it’s pretty damn simple and only a person who derives happiness from possessions would need any more explanation.
- You give me a piece of kitchen detritus (a mug)
- I give you two pieces of kitchen detritus in return
The only other detail to know is that it scales. If you give me two pieces of kitchen detritus, you get four in return. If you give me four, you get eight lovely pieces of crapware in return. And so on, to infinity. It will never end.
Materialist Warning: nothing can stop me from extracting revenge. I will go to the ends of the earth to see you crushed. If you send me a dozen mugs, I will send you twenty four. If you send me a thousand, I will send two thousand back. If you bestow upon me ownership of a mug manufacturing company, I will bestow upon you ownership of two mug manufacturing companies.
Where Will They Come From?
For most friends and relatives the “bonus mug” will come from my already vast stores. I have boxes in the attic full of ceramic swill given to me by well meaning, but sadly misguided Materialists. It will be like a backward Ponzi scheme where I hope to go broke. Unfortunately in this case, I never will, because of science. Let me explain.
Julian’s third law of Accumulation and Atrophy states that “As a middle class american consumer you can never run out of mugs, rubber bands, coasters, or pens.” In other words, it is impossible to run out of mugs. There are always more in the cupboard, attic, or in a drawer somewhere. If you send me ten mugs, I will easily be able to find twenty just lying around the house.
You may be wondering about Julian’s second law of Accumulation and Atrophy. It’s really more of a wish than a scientific principle. It states that “A mug in motion should continue to stay in motion, until it hits the ground and shatters. Amen. Namaste.” The first law is even more obscure, as it’s just my grocery list for the week.
The “Thank You” Mug
Not all of the mugs I give back will be re-gifts. In many cases I will create custom “thank you” mugs to send to people. This will be a plain white mug with a picture of me on it. In the picture I will be holding the mug they gave me, and smiling excitedly (sarcastically). Just to drive home the point, I will send two.