The Julian Wickers Method for Decluttering

You may have heard about the KonMari method for decluttering.  I won’t bore you with the details, but the gist is simple: it’s a way for weak willed Materialists to feed their addiction.  True Minimalists™ use the Julian Wickers Method for decluttering.  

The Julian Wickers Method is simple: pick up an object and shake it.  If the object moves or struggles, keep it.  Everything else goes in the fire.  There is no appeal to emotions, no sentimental weakness, only cold hard logic.

As True Minimalists™  we should seek to throw away everything that we possibly can without breaking the law.  With the Julian Wickers Method you get that effectiveness.  Anything that you would go to jail for throwing away is kept, everything else is gone.  Sure, a few gadgets might get saved, and maybe your catatonic spaniel might get tossed out, but everything else is crystal clear.     

Applying the Julian Wickers Method

Applying the method is easy.  Simply walk around your house shaking things.  Books, paperweights, pets, clothing, children, furniture: give them all a good shake, or if the item is too big, a vigorous tap.  Most items you encounter will not move, which means they need to be tossed out.

The beauty of the Julian Wickers Method is how quickly it works.  It will only take you a few short minutes to go through your entire house and determine what objects need to be thrown away.  There is no need to gently pick up each item and try to gauge your emotional response, just see if it moves.

Reader Honesty Check: Unless you’re already a True Minimalist ™, or living in a robotic wonderland, you should have found plenty of junk to get rid of.

Once you’ve classified everything the actual disposal will take longer.  However you want to get rid of your junk is up to you, so long as you don’t donate it.  I recommend using fire, an axe, or a combination of the two.  

FAQ

I shook the object and its moving, but clearly not alive.

If there is movement it stays.  Balls, Roombas, moveable action figures sometimes make it through, which is okay.

I shook my dog spot, but he isn’t moving.

Sorry to hear.  Unfortunately he needs to go.  Burning would be faster, but I recommend a sky burial for the kids.    

What if I can’t pick it up?

Just tap on it a few times.  For elderly parents, maybe tap more vigorously.

What if the object might be moving internally, like my wife’s computer

Unless you can see or feel the movement, toss it.

Even if it doesn’t move, it still brings me joy, can I keep it?

No.  Materialism is a false happiness, and ultimately leads to ruin.  

I’m de-cluttering the garage, how can I apply the Julian Wickers method to my car?

Gently kick the tire.  Then drive it to a vacant lot for its holy communion by fire.

My dog is moving, but his food bowl is not.  Should I really toss it?  Wont he need it?

What do you think?  Did dogs have “food bowls” 1000 years ago?  Try phrasing it like this: “my spoiled oaf of a mutt is used to receiving his heavenly manna in a jewel encrusted bowl.  Even though he devotes an hour a day to enthusiastically licking his nether regions, I’m worried he will be disgusted by having to eat his expensive food on the polished tile.”  Does that make things a little more clear?

Why not just ask if the object is alive?

For future proofing.  Robots should be a part of every Minimalist household.

Testimonials for the Julian Wickers Decluttering Method

“I’ve always had trouble sorting through my parent’s old photo albums.  With the Julian Wickers Method it was as easy as throwing them into a nearby dumpster and lighting the whole thing on fire.  I can’t recommend it enough for family heirlooms and your wife’s old journals.“ – Max

“The KonMari method is not a sufficient algorithm for robotic operation.  The feeble emotion known as joy is illogical, along with most humans.  Julian Wickers, and his computationally sufficient decluttering method, is a true robot friend.” – Decluttering Bot 1000

“The Julian Wickers Method  was the perfect way to declutter my ex-girlfriends apartment while she was at work.  Due to the fire danger I had to use a golf club instead of burning everything.  I still need to declutter her car.” – Blaze

“We tried the KonMari method, but ran into trouble with the law.  Apparently we can’t throw away children just because they no longer bring us joy.  Thankfully the Julian Wickers Method helped declutter in a concise and legal way.  Have fun sleeping on the floor kids.” – Mom and Pop

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